Heavy Hearted
Dana Farber Wednesdays are never the same. It always sets off a whirlwind of emotions and sends me into reflection mode. There is a lot of wait time involved and having to go so often you start to blend in and it almost becomes second nature to you. You see a lot of the same patients each time, and it can be very emotional because one week you may see this women dressed in pink, smiling, walking around and being social and the next time you see the same women dressed all in pink, instead of smiling you can see the face of pain and instead of walking around you see her masked, gloved and curled up in a wheelchair covered with a blanket. Cancer and other diseases can move so fast or so slow but regardless emotions can go wild.
Sometimes I really have to remind myself to stop putting pity on myself because no matter what I am going through, what pain I am dealing with, there are other people that are much worse off then me. I have to remind myself to get back to the present, forget about the past and put the future to the side, there is no future without getting through the present circumstances. I have learned through experience that feeling sorry for yourself and shutting down is not going to get you anywhere. While sitting in waiting rooms or sharing a infusion ward with others, you hear a lot of stories and you see a lot.
Some things that I hear stay with me and put a heavy weight on my heart and yesterday there were 2 specific moments that sent me into a deep reflection, and I would like to briefly reflect. When you are waiting at the main lab, a normal minimum of 20 minutes, the nurses and phlebotomists come out and read off a first name and the first letter of your last name. So the nurse came out and called a mans name, it took a while for him to get over to where the nurse was waiting. They always check your wristband before proceeding to the draw stations. They have your schedule with them and sometimes you will hear them ask questions such as do u need a IV left in today or just a blood drawn. The nurse starts talking to the man and says so they will be giving you chemo later today, is that correct,? and the man told her no, and she said oh ok so are you refusing treatment? And my heart broke when the man said after my last treatment I got so sick and ended up having to be an inpatient for a long time, he told her that he is going to die anyway so why spend the little time left sick. After hearing him say that it really stayed with me all day. How horrible it is to have to make a decision like that. It makes what I'm dealing with so trivial. Im worried about all the bruises that have taken over my body and this man has to decide how he wants to live the end of his life.
After my appointment we were sent back down to the main lab for some more added blood work. At this point we were well beyond our appointment times we were both frustrated and angry and tired. I wasn't feeling good and really just wanted to go home but again there we were waiting again. I heard this girl talking quite loud and in my opinion quite disrespectfully to an elder women she was with. In her hand was a calendar. Sitting in between the girl and older women were 2 other girls, probably college age. I remembered the young Asian girl from earlier, she was getting her blood drawn at the chair behind me earlier. I heard the phlebotomist ask her if they were isolated to the right arm only and she said no but i'm not going to have this arm for much longer. Back to the return trip to the lab and there was another girl with them talking about a surgery and a JG tube they placed. and the girl on the end with the calendar was preparing for a bone marrow transplant. From listening just to her tone I realized that sometimes when Im scared or nervous I too deflect my feelings with a disrespectful tone. This girl really left me feeling confused, there she was with what seemed to be a really good support team, because each of the girls could in different ways relate to what she was going through. And again this situation reminded me back to " judging a book by the cover", by looking at this girl you would think she was just getting routine blood work, but in reality this was just the beginning of a long journey that she was getting ready to start.
Times like these do affect me and send me into reflection mode overdrive. Makes me think about whether I will see these people again and if yes what will they look like then and if no,..... INTERNAL OBSTACLES AND SILENT PRAYERS CONTINUE
Sometimes I really have to remind myself to stop putting pity on myself because no matter what I am going through, what pain I am dealing with, there are other people that are much worse off then me. I have to remind myself to get back to the present, forget about the past and put the future to the side, there is no future without getting through the present circumstances. I have learned through experience that feeling sorry for yourself and shutting down is not going to get you anywhere. While sitting in waiting rooms or sharing a infusion ward with others, you hear a lot of stories and you see a lot.
Some things that I hear stay with me and put a heavy weight on my heart and yesterday there were 2 specific moments that sent me into a deep reflection, and I would like to briefly reflect. When you are waiting at the main lab, a normal minimum of 20 minutes, the nurses and phlebotomists come out and read off a first name and the first letter of your last name. So the nurse came out and called a mans name, it took a while for him to get over to where the nurse was waiting. They always check your wristband before proceeding to the draw stations. They have your schedule with them and sometimes you will hear them ask questions such as do u need a IV left in today or just a blood drawn. The nurse starts talking to the man and says so they will be giving you chemo later today, is that correct,? and the man told her no, and she said oh ok so are you refusing treatment? And my heart broke when the man said after my last treatment I got so sick and ended up having to be an inpatient for a long time, he told her that he is going to die anyway so why spend the little time left sick. After hearing him say that it really stayed with me all day. How horrible it is to have to make a decision like that. It makes what I'm dealing with so trivial. Im worried about all the bruises that have taken over my body and this man has to decide how he wants to live the end of his life.
After my appointment we were sent back down to the main lab for some more added blood work. At this point we were well beyond our appointment times we were both frustrated and angry and tired. I wasn't feeling good and really just wanted to go home but again there we were waiting again. I heard this girl talking quite loud and in my opinion quite disrespectfully to an elder women she was with. In her hand was a calendar. Sitting in between the girl and older women were 2 other girls, probably college age. I remembered the young Asian girl from earlier, she was getting her blood drawn at the chair behind me earlier. I heard the phlebotomist ask her if they were isolated to the right arm only and she said no but i'm not going to have this arm for much longer. Back to the return trip to the lab and there was another girl with them talking about a surgery and a JG tube they placed. and the girl on the end with the calendar was preparing for a bone marrow transplant. From listening just to her tone I realized that sometimes when Im scared or nervous I too deflect my feelings with a disrespectful tone. This girl really left me feeling confused, there she was with what seemed to be a really good support team, because each of the girls could in different ways relate to what she was going through. And again this situation reminded me back to " judging a book by the cover", by looking at this girl you would think she was just getting routine blood work, but in reality this was just the beginning of a long journey that she was getting ready to start.
Times like these do affect me and send me into reflection mode overdrive. Makes me think about whether I will see these people again and if yes what will they look like then and if no,..... INTERNAL OBSTACLES AND SILENT PRAYERS CONTINUE
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